Making Progress

Ok, yes, this a semi-rant.  I'm in the middle of watching old episodes of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (with Melissa Joan Hart) and I'm waiting for the video to load, lamenting the fact that my new hookah hose hasn't arrived in the mail yet, and denying the fact that I have to go to work in an hour.

I've been thinking about this for a while now.  On the journey to acceptance of myself, I need to periodically examine why I do certain things when I know that every time I do these things, they don't turn out well for me.

Right now, I'm at a job where I'm not being promoted because I'm too good at the current job I'm doing.  It's really unfair.  To give myself credit, I've just applied to different places this week, so I'm making progress :)  I work on my university's campus and I applied to work at the library.  My current job involves calling alumni for money for the university - I'm really good at it, I even have my name on a plaque, but I've been passed up for supervisor three times now.

I've made a promise to myself.  School is about to start, and they have 3 new openings for supervisor because 3 people are leaving.  I've lined up this other job at the library, and if I don't get promoted for this time, I won't be staying around and wasting my time at this job.  I'll take the job at the library, and the Call Center can lose all of the revenue I bring in for the university, AND the experience that I have.

I've talked to my bosses about it before, and I got a straight answer from one of them at least.  He said that as soon as they can get people to bridge the gap of revenue from the money they raised before I started working and the revenue that I bring in by calling, I'll be moved up to a higher position.  I got so angry when he told me that.  IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT THE OTHERS DON'T BRING IN AS MUCH AS I DO.  I shouldn't be punished for others not doing their job as well as my bosses want them to.  It's not fair.

I'm so done with this job.  ugh.  BUT like I said, if I'm not promoted this time - they announce promotions before the start of the semester at a back to school party/ceremony - then I'm going to go work at the library.  It doesn't pay as much starting, but there are mandatory raises that go by how well you perform - which is what I was told would happen at the Call Center, but OBVIOUSLY that's not how it works.  I can also do homework while I'm at the library, which is good for me.

One of the things that bothers me about leaving is that I don't want to leave because I really have made good connections with some of the people I work with.  That is what I'm talking about when I talk about acceptance.  I think that the old me would've stayed in this dead end job, not being promoted, so that I could still hang out with the people I've made a connection with.

I'm not sure if there even IS a new me or anything, but I know for sure that no matter what, I deserve more respect than what I'm getting right now, and I'm not going to stay around at this job waiting for my bosses to give it to me, when I know they're never going to.  At the end of the summer, at the welcome back party, if they don't promote me, I'm quitting this job and I'm going to work at the library.  This is a promise I've made to myself because I deserve better than what I'm getting at this job right now, and I know it for a fact.

Yay for confidence in myself and believing that I deserve better!  I think I'm making progress :)

Hypoglycemia

Ok, so I have had hypoglycemia for a while now.  I was diagnosed when I was in high school and I've been dealing with it ever since.

If you've read my blog, you know that I've got a tentative surgery date to revise from lap band to Roux en Y on 4 Aug (yayyyyy 2 weeks!) and I'm really excited, but I've got a few worries about it as well.

I've read around about gastric bypass, and I'm a little worried because there are some people who develop reactive hypoglycemia after their surgery.  Should I be worried?  I mean I check my blood glucose regularly and I've been able to keep it under control with changing certain things about my diet and the things I eat, but I don't know what will happen with the RnY.

With the lap band, my hypoglycemia got a lot worse at first because I started not being able to eat many things on random days - which is also why I'm getting a revision.  I can't get all the nutrition in that I need to because on some days, the lap band doesn't let me get anything down, no matter how much I've had it adjusted over the past year and a half.  This is also why I've had to try to change what I'm doing - many times to no avail - in order to keep my hypoglycemia in check.

One of the other things I've heard from some of the forums I've been on say that even though the lap band may not have allowed me to eat certain things at all, the VSG or RnY WILL allow me to eat what I need to, so maybe I won't have to worry about the hypoglycemia getting worse?  I don't know.

If anyone has any suggestions or advice, definitely tell me, but as usual, I'll keep you updated!

New Updating Software

Ok, so I just downloaded a new software on my mac for updating my blogs.  It's called Qumana.

Aside from telling you guys about this software, this post is actually also a test post to see if it works!  :)

Two birds with one stone.

Tags: qumana, updating, mac, osx, blog

Powered by Qumana

Roux en Y SURGERY DATE!!

Yayyy! I don't know if you guys have been following my ordeal with my rude surgeon, but I'm completely DONE with working with him, and I have a new surgeon!

He is SO awesome!  I just got my EGD and psych eval today and I have a tentative surgery date scheduled for 4 Aug!!!  He wants to do the Roux en Y Gastric Bypass, and after having everything explained to me by him, I'm all for it as well!  I'm so ready!

The lady in the office just has to fax over paperwork to my insurance (Blue Cross Blue Shield Federal) and I'm good to go!  From what I've heard, the BCBS Federal program is a lot more accomadating than the regular BCBS.  Also, when I got my lapband in the first place, they approved me in about 24 hours, so I'm not really worried.  MAYBE I'll even get to have my surgery earlier than that!  That would be awesome, but if not, 4 Aug is really good for me as well.  :)

I'll keep you guys updated as usual :)

Water

I've been thinking. I need to drink more water.


64oz per day, right?

Let's get to it!

My new surgeon!

He is AMAZING, I tell you! The whole appointment went really smoothly, and I trust him completely! Everything is getting done really quickly and I'm pretty sure I'll get my surgery before school starts! He wants to revise me to gastric bypass, and I'm ok with that. He explained that it just doesn't seem smart to go from one experimental surgery (lap band) to another (sleeve or VSG) and I agree. The sleeve may work for many people, but I want this whole thing to be over and done with and I don't want to have to worry about this anymore, so if RnY is right for me, then RnY it is!

I'm SO ready.

I've been thinking.

So, I was really beginning to think about things I was eating with the lap band, so that when I have my revision to sleeve or gastric bypass I could really change some things. Here are some of the reasons why I don't think the band worked for me:

1. My surgeon's nutritionist didn't give me an outline of what I was supposed to eat. Like, at all, during the whole time I've gone through this process. At the beginning, he gave me vague ideas about what to eat during my liquids and mushies phase, and I kind of understand that because liquids are pretty self explanatory. As for mushies, he never told me what was considered mushy and what things were off limits. He told me that I needed to figure out what I could eat by testing them and seeing if my band would let me have them.

...........does that seem backwards to anyone else?? You're supposed to NOT push the band; at that point it doesn' t become a tool for weight loss, it becomes a game of whether you can eat this or that and how much you can get away with.

When I was able to eat real foods again, he did the same things and told me to see what I could eat by pushing the band and seeing what I could withstand. He also never told me any foods to stay away from. I know that staying away from fatty foods was a good policy, but never once did he give me even a plan of action about what to eat. I mean I know this is my journey and I have to figure things out for myself, but aren't nutritionists supposed to guide you through? With WLS, aren't they supposed to try to give you meal plans or ideas for meal plans? I never got any of that.

2. From the beginning, when I didn't lose a lot for my first weigh in, I could feel that my nutritionist didn't think I was going to do well. He thought that I had slacked in losing weight. It was my FIRST weigh in! How do you slack right after surgery when you really cannot eat anything and you cannot exercise? His non faith in me just carried over into my feelings about myself and I didn't think I'd do well from the beginning.

3. After I stopped losing weight after the 3rd month or so, my nutritionist still didn't give me any meal plan ideas, he just told me that I needed to keep my protein intake at around 70-80 grams per day. But never any ideas about what to get protein from.


I'm hoping that this new doctor will give me the tools I need to succeed and not just leave me hanging after getting my money from surgery.

New Doctor

Ok, so I found a new doctor that I'm talking to about revision. He's in the same area as I am, probably even closer than my current surgeon, and he's definitely nicer! He said that I can get this whole thing done in about a month, so that I'll have everything done before school starts! Wish me luck and I'll keep you updated!

The Dreaded....Exercise.

Ok, so I've decided to start trying to get in the habit of changing things before I go in for my surgery. Tonight I walked 2.25 miles. It took me about 50 min, so I'm definitely no where near 5k status like some of you guys.

I tried to jog for a small portion of the walk, but that didn't work very well either lol. I've never been able to jog, and I don't think I'll ever be able to jog. We'll see.

I drank water today! I've been wrestling with putting this out there for a while, but I haven't actually consistently drunk water for the last 4 years. lol maybe that's part of my weight problem? I just hate the taste of it. Ugh. Thinking about it now, I don't really think that's part of my weight problem because in middle school I'd drink half my weight in ounces of water per day and that didn't help me lose weight at all. Just one of the many diets that I've tried over the years.

oh well.

What I need:
1. A good sports bra
2. Better workout shoes
3. Do socks play a part in this? I dunno, but maybe I need more of those as well

Rude bariatric doctors - weight loss surgery

I went to talk to my surgeon about getting a band to sleeve revision, and he was so rude to me. I don't think I've every had anyone be that rude to me before.

This is why I don't like going to doctors in the first place. I went into the office, and he pretty much told me that the reason I gained all my weight back was all my fault. I cried so much as soon as I got out of there this afternoon. When he walked in and said hi, the first thing he said was, "Ok, you're back at your starting weight. Now, why do you think that is? Do you think it's because you haven't been following the diet at all? Do you eat ice cream and chips everyday?" I was floored. I had always thought of him as a nice person, but this was the rudest thing I've ever hear from ANYONE I've ever discussed my weight with. After that, he said he'd give me the revision, but then he said, "you know, I'm giving you this revision because the band doesn't really work for some people, and you're one of them, but if you keep stress eating you're not going to lose weight. Eating a whole bag of potato chips when you don't feel good is going to kill you." If that wasn't enough, he also said, "You have to look at what you're eating when you have bariatric surgery, you can't just eat everything you see."

I WAS SO ANGRY. Like, WHAT THE F**K. WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST F**KING YEAR AND A HALF?? JUST SITTING ON MY A** EATING ALL DAY? Ugh, I was so angry, and I still am. He made me feel so small - not the good kind, the ashamed kind. And why? I've done everything right for the last year and a half with this band and I'm RIGHT BACK WHERE I WAS. That's not MY fault, that's the BAND. I said something about stress eating ONE TIME about 6 months ago when I was taking finals (I'm still in college) and now he's throwing it back in my face?? WTF. I was SEETHING when I walked out.

He scheduled an appointment for me to get the revision, but he made it seem like he was doing me a huge favor even considering it. He's so rude. When he took me over to the nurses station he said, "Make sure we get her in a sleep study, at her weight we don't know what could happen." at HER WEIGHT? WTF. There are people who weigh 3 TIMES as much as I do that go to that SAME office. I only weigh 237 right now (the same as when I started with the lap band). But the reason I need surgery is because I'm only 5'5" and because of health problems. "Only" is a relative term, but there are people that weigh a LOT more than I do. This whole experience made me so angry.

I just want to get my sleeve done and never have to see any of those people ever again. My question is: how can you work at a bariatric surgery place and be so rude to people about their weight? wtf?

Movie Review: The Last Airbender

I can pretty much summarize this in one word: horrible.

Can I just tell you? The acting was so horrible. Like, I know it's supposed to be a children's movie and based on a dramatic graphic novel, but come one. Like, really? Omg. It was like every little thing that everyone did was sooooo detrimental to everyone else's health and nobody should do anything at all that even remotely resembled anything dangerous. I feel like I could've done a better job myself. If you still go see it, don't say I didn't tell you so.